Hazlewood Bar

A haven for the obtuse & absurd

When the founders of Hazlewood approached 51 Eggs for the brand of their new venture, the conversation was lively and the brief was clear. The concept was to create a space that celebrated the elegance and decorum of a bygone era while skewering the absurd pretensions and misguided righteousness of its upper crust. Make everything a send-up, provide no helpful information, and dig in deep to the outrageous. Hazlewood, “The Paris of Ballard,” was born. Located in a historic Seattle neighborhood, the bar, now in its 20th year, has been a fixture in the craft cocktail scene and a home away from home for anyone who appreciates good music, company, and a subversive ribald sense of humor.

Aesthetically rooted in the late 19th century, Hazlewood's true nature is best conveyed through its written character and voice. Everything Hazlewood says is presented through the lens of an absurd fallacy—nothing is straightforward, information is cryptic, advice is wildly off base, even its seemingly most honorable intentions are grotesque examples of what might have once been acceptable social norms, and are egregious parodies of blind privilege and aristocratic pretense. The filigree and grandeur of its visual identity is a thin veneer to what takes delight in exposing the debased practices and unenlightened realities of the era of enlightenment. The result is a deep, sophisticated world of layered jokes that unfold throughout the patron’s visit.

Roles:

Strategy
Brand Development

Brand Articulation
Brand Narrative
Brand Stewardship
Creative Direction
Art Direction
Identity Design
Design
Illustration
Packaging Design
Collateral Design
Merchandise Design

Copywriting
Digital Experience
Animation

Even with our most diligent selection and stringent requirements of entry there are always a few crafty scoundrels who make their way into our fine establishment with the sole intention of harassing and exploiting the noble intentions and admittedly deep pocket-books of our fine patrons. However, while they may be despicable thieving miscreants they do often redeem themselves through the visceral pleasure of their company, especially after hours. Here then is a selection of those types of which to beware.

The MATRON
Beyond her years of maternal necessity, the Matron prowls the night like a jungle cat seeking the Life-essence of any young Gentleman her withered paws can grasp. The lustful vengeance of her lost youth is merciless and depleting but undeniably exquisite. Beware the roving pack of Matrons, as their powers are amplified exponentially by their numbers.

Stature vs. Satisfaction:
37% to 63%

The WANDERER
The wanderer is a slovenly scoundrel, generally revolting in appearance and utterly inept in regard to personal hygiene, however they are often quite gifted in music and the arts. His greatest talent, or curse, depending on your preference, lurks wrapped in his filthy swaddling pants: the trunk-like “brush” with which he is an undeniable master.

Stature vs. Satisfaction:
3% to 97%

The EXHIBITIONIST
The Exhibitionist requires only the flimsiest pretense to strip off his over-coat, top-coat, jacket, waist-coat, dickie, blouse, under-shirt, trousers, under-trousers and sub-under-trousers to display his enviable physique. Many a young Woman has been tempted by his gleaming, hairless chest. Beware, ladies! Those who succumb to their base instincts soon find themselves face to face with the D---l himself! That, and the Exhibitionist’s enormous penis.

Stature vs. Satisfaction:
50% to 50%

The MATA HARI
Although average in appearance, the Mata Hari is anything but. Skilled in the French art of l’amour, she will seduce you with physickal gratification and then politely demand recompense, whereupon she will continue to seek you out, day after day, to pursue the basest of carnal desires, providing hour upon hour of ecstasy the likes of which most men can scarcely imagine, in exchange for small gifts. By all means, avoid her!

Stature vs. Satisfaction:
18% to 82%

Who can argue that as the world forever quickens its pace that even the most sophisticated members of society find themselves frazzled by the never ending hither and dither of the modern world. Hazlewood’s Guide to Etiquette for Polite Society is designed to assist those who have, in a momentary lapse of concentration, made an embarrassing blunder, lost their true station in society, or find themselves in a socially questionable predicament. Adherence to these helpful suggestions is guaranteed to reestablish one’s fascinating manners and social talents with sincerity and fervor allowing them to indulge in life’s pleasures with the utmost confidence.

USE PANTOMIME TO FEIGN INTEREST AMONG DULLARDS

When in the company of dullards who insist upon continuing to blather on with no concern or interest in your person, stature, engagements or time it is encouraged to perform the fine art of pantomime to create the illusion of attentive listening. This simple technique may also prove to be effective when being reprimanded by a judge, spouse, or employer who’s favorable opinion is more important than your interest in their empassioned soliloquy.

THE MALADY OF BEARS

It is no secret that the rapid expansion of the west has displaced a large population of bears from their natural habitat and forced them to assimilate to a new reality of civilization. Once feared as the wild killer of men we now find them often wandering bewildered into our operas, drawing rooms, and restaurants, perhaps in search of once plentiful berries and salmon. Upon resisting the aristocratic temptation to immediately dispatch the beast and fashion its carcass into either a majestic stuffed display of virility or a handsome fireside rug, one may discover that actually bears can be quite charming, and with some effort become rather fine domestic companions or even accomplished partners in the waltz. With recent years evidencing far more pleasant surprises than maullings, it is our moral duty not to savage these lonely creatures into oblivion, but instead extend our hand in friendship and hitherto offer them the grand opportunity to join our noble and elevated society as citizens!

IT IS ILL-ADVISED TO INDULGE IN ONE’S OWN REPOSITORY

It is a signature of quality to carry on one’s person a vestibule of the fashionable and invigorating coca-powder. Easily mixed with wine or other spirits its beneficial effects are immediate and lasting, renewing and stimulating one’s vital forces. It is ironic then that the very same qualities that so completely invigorate the Spirit are the same that can inspire the Gentry to over-indulge and foolishly consume one’s entire supply! Avoid the embarrassment of being discovered without, and politely partake in the supply of others as frequently as possible, saving one’s own reserve to be enjoyed privately!

SUBDUING THE INSANE

Without the benefit of state run asylums many have complained of the overrunning of our streets with the rambling erratic behavior of the insane. While many believe that these unfortunate souls bring color to our neighborhoods and remind us of our duty as citizens to care for our fellow man, still others are concerned for the safety of their persons and property. While we here at Hazlewood are firm believers in the ethos of “live and let live,” there are times in which an insane person is in fact acting insane and must be subdued in the interest of preventing harm to themselves or others. In the case of this unusual event it is recommended to have one member of your party distract the insane person from across the room with either loud shouts or tantalizing valuables while another approaches the insane person from behind. They may then proceed to wrestle them to the ground in a bear-like embrace or anesthetize them with a kerchief that has been saturated with an immobilizing tonic. Upon taking command of the situation the use of a straight jacket is advised to ensure that there is no escape and that the festivities can continue without any further incident.

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